I haven’t written here in a long time, so much so that I don’t remember what I last wrote about.
I am now married, and have been so for the last 11 months. It will be a year for us on March 7, and I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive and lovable husband.
However, outside the confines of my marriage, for the last 2 months, I’ve been hugely lost and confused, which is why I’ve realised I need to start writing (spewing?) here again. Sorry, bloggy (and blogworld in general).
I have so many emotions, thoughts and anxieties in my head these days that sometimes, it gets hard to function. I’m trying to find myself, and trying to find confidence and strength in my own self, but there seems to be a major case of confidence deficit in me these days.
I also live with my in-laws, and I find myself even more lost around them. They are people with *extremely* strong opinions – on everything. Including most aspects of my life. I’m thus finding it hard to adjust to living with them, even after 11 months. I’ve been taking the high road, the one where I quietly try to ignore them and do my own thing, but I’m beginning to realise that all the negativity is making me lose the little self-confidence I have. Also, they’re always fighting and being negative – which doesn’t seem to upset them. It does, however, put me in a horrendous mood when someone raises their voice at me on an issue which wasn’t even that important to begin with.
I realise that if I were a very strong person to begin with, this wouldn’t have happened. So I’m trying to become a more centered, calm and stronger person. However, the path to inner peace (atleast for me) seems to be strewn with many, many many crying bouts. Mostly because I have so much anxiety and feelings in my head, that periodically, I burst into tears and keep crying for a while.
Other factors contributing to this stress is the fact that I’m not happy at the job, I’m afraid to do the job I wanted to do during law school, and I don’t know whether I want to continue to be a lawyer, even. All this is causing me a lot of internal anguish and tension, also compounding the self-confidence deficit.
Along with this, I’ve got the usual worries mixed in my head. Plus these days I seem to be tying myself into knots and being super worried and anxious even about the most irrelevant stuff.
All of the above has been mixed into a deadly cocktail, wherein some days I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING (and proceed to do nothing). This, of course, is further getting me down, because I’m judging myself for not utilising my time researching an LLM/new jobs, or reading (I STILL HAVEN’T FINISHED THE MALAZAN BOOK OF THE FALLEN SERIES. Gah!!), painting, or tinkering around with my new (well, I haven’t used it too much yet, so it still counts as new) camera.
I’ve also decided that I need to take up a hobby, and I *need* to take time to indulge in these hobbies. Reading or listening to music just isn’t enough.
I also need to figure out how to deal with the in-laws – any suggestions, net world?
I’ve decided to make a list of ways to make myself happier (while I continue to agonise over who I am, what I want to do, etc etc):
1. Go to the gym more often (once the knee is fixed tomorrw);
2. Paint/sketch
3. Learn how to photograph well with the camera.
4. Meditate for 10 minutes every day.
5. Learn how to drive in rush hour traffic without panicking/having a person accompanying me while I’m driving.
I wish I knew of a way to just switch off all my anxiety and fears and go to sleep everyday, and wake up the next morning sa fresh as a daisy!
Till then, I’ve decided that falling is inevitable. I just have to keep on picking myself up, dusting off my clothes, and trying to work as hard as I can.
(CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE? PLEASE?!)
Must go back to work now. Have to sleep in an hour!
xx
Brain Droppings 